Escape seeking validation from anyone else and just focus on yourself. Think about you. Right now. Just you.
Is the first thing that you naturally think about something that you don’t like? Is it something about yourself that you want to change?
Maybe you immediately think of a problem that you have. It’s something that’s keeping you from happiness, peace, and the success you dream of.
How often do these thoughts show up in your day? How do you really feel about yourself?
This awareness is really key to you making the true and lasting changes to escape seeking validation to find true peace, happiness, and fulfillment.
This subject is covered in the latest episode of The Growth Farming Podcast.
Sometimes the best laid plans aren’t enough
If the first thoughts about yourself are regarding something you want to change or you believe is missing, how is that impacting you? What do these thoughts do to your ability to move through your day?
Many of us struggle with our day. We set goals, make plans, and think “we know” exactly what to do to create the life of our dreams. But what we’re often not aware of is how the best laid plans require a foundation, structure and construction that is whole. This is how to build life the way you envision it.
Just the plan or intention isn’t enough. Sure, it’s better than nothing. Yet to really move into living your best life, and escape seeking validation from others to feel good enough, requires a different kind of change.
Your thoughts create your reality
“As a man thinketh, so he is.” That’s a quote from several people. My notes attribute it to an unnamed philosopher.
Your beliefs are the cause of your life. Your experience is the results. The “reality” you live is in the product of your beliefs and your actions.
Let’s look at it like the math equation that it is:
R = B + A
Or B + A = R
R is the results/experience of your life. You can even call R your reality. Your reality, the results you’re currently experiencing isn’t the cause of your happiness or sadness. R is not the cause of your success or failure, acceptance or rejection. It’s also not the cause of your confidence or insecurity, romance or singleness, wealth or poverty. Or anything and its opposite.
Your reality (R) isn’t the cause. Of anything. It’s the effect.
Many people live in a state of consciousness (way of thinking and believing) where what they see and experience determines what they think is real. It’s a belief that says, “If I don’t have approval from others, I’m unworthy of acceptance and Love.”
Then they try to chase after whatever they can get to feel that acceptance and approval. And the process of seeking validation from others leads to more inner hopelessness and pain. This is why seeking validation is crippling you.
The belief is that gaining validation from others in the form of Love, acceptance, and approval will complete them. Finally they’ll feel worthy and have peace. But the opposite of this is actually what happens.
This belief of lack creates drama, tension and fear. The belief in unworthiness and not being good enough leads to actions of seeking validation from others. And the result is maybe getting a little approval but it not being enough to sustain the desired feeling of worthiness. So the cycle repeats itself.
Seeking validation to feel worthy is a backwards approach
You get a trophy for winning a race. Not for putting on your shoes.
In our little math equation to illustrate why seeking validation gets you nowhere, notice that A is action. And action isn’t the first part of the equation.
Your beliefs are the start of the process that leads to R (results/reality).
B is your beliefs. What you believe determines the actions you take. Actually, look at your actions over the last 2 hours. If you stop and ask yourself, “Why did I do this?” you can get to the root of your belief.
All actions we take (big or small) come from a belief we have about ourselves.
Let’s paint a picture to illustrate this even further. Then we’ll break down how the beliefs about a particular person or circumstance create actions that lead to a result.
Here’s something I recently heard a friend say:
“He doesn’t like me and won’t go out with me. I call and text and hear nothing back from him. I guess he’s just so much better and more put together to talk to me. Or he’s a player and just wants to play the field.”
ALL of these statements are rooted in beliefs about the person who is having them.
What this looks like in real life
Let’s break it down and explore the power of subtle thoughts that create powerful beliefs:
- “He doesn’t like me and won’t go out with me,” is a straight-up self-defeatist belief that places someone else (this dude) over the person who is feeling this way.
- “I call or text and hear nothing back. I guess he’s just so much better and more put together to talk with me,” insinuates that this guy has so much more value than she/he feels about themselves. To chase after someone in seeking validation or affection creates the opposite effect. Instead of letting go and allowing someone to be drawn in reveals what they truly believe about their attraction power.
- “He’s a player and wants to play the field,” conveys a desire in wanting to have a committed relationship and be chosen. But the person they seem to want is someone they don’t believe is willing or able to be committed. This statement reveals a belief that the guy doesn’t prize them enough to have that special connection.
They may keep chasing after someone who doesn’t reflect the Love they want. They may keep seeking validation and acceptance from this dude who seems to flirt with other people and not commit. And in doing so they create a reality that isn’t at all what they truly want.
The belief in unworthiness and being not good enough produces codependent actions like seeking validation and chasing acceptance. ALL of this is a root belief about the self.
Root beliefs are the starting point for everything
If the root belief is that you’re unworthy and not good enough, your actions will follow suit. This belief causes actions to support the belief.
Actions like chasing, seeking validation, pursuing someone who doesn’t reflect the heart or character you truly want. This root belief creates actions that doesn’t serve your best or ideal end result.
Because the belief in being unworthy of a Love who pursues, is safe, and consistent, you seek out a connection with someone who is unable of being this (or giving it).
The result is being ghosted, ignored, or lied to when confronted. This creates further disconnection and drama.
See how the behavior of the dude and the pattern of behavior are the result of the beliefs of this person and their actions.
Change your beliefs to change your results
If this person CHANGED their belief about themselves, everything would change. If they began to truly see themselves as beautiful, radiant and attractive, there would be a different behavior from the one they want.
This empowering self-Love belief system would squash seeking validation before it started. Because Love attracts what it is. Beauty, desirability, and worthiness do the same.
They don’t chase. They attract.
Love and beauty also has patience and trust in the process of that attraction power to bring the right person in right on time. No rush. A different belief produces different actions.
The result from this is they don’t want the silent guy who doesn’t respond to messages and who does ghosty things. Because they understand that self-Love is the key to true happiness.
They let go of pursuing anyone and focus on themselves. They do what they want, enjoying their friends and just having fun!
No stress or trying to prove anything. The ghost homeboy somehow feels this shift and tries to come back (because he’s attracted to confidence instead of neediness). But this person isn’t interested. They know the vibe and feeling they want around them.
They trust the universe to bring the person their heart desires to them at just the right time. No searching, hunting, weird dating app shenanigans, or chasing after anyone.
In no time at all, they’re in the relationship of their dreams with the Love of their life. They’re overflowing with excitement and joy at what their life is like!
The new relationship with their ideal match HAPPENED because of the belief in self-Love that created confidence. Plus actions of wholeness and trust in the process.
If you want to escape seeking validation, change your beliefs
If you’re still skeptical of this truth, it’s been my story. I share in detail my saga of chasing acceptance and Love from a belief in unworthiness. The unworthiness I felt led to a life of fear of rejection. And after I thought I’d solved it by getting married, it all came crashing down.
The result was divorce by way of confirmation of the fears I had accepted as truth. My belief in being unworthy was the cause of the reality I found myself in. And the way I got out of that personal hell and into a life of wholeness is detailed in my book Be Solid: How To Go Through Hell & Come Out Whole.
This is where I share my personal story of how I changed my beliefs to create a completely new and different life. If you want to be free from seeking validation, acceptance, or chasing Love then this route will give you everything you need to take clear steps forward into a whole new reality.
Learn exactly what to do to escape seeking validation
Do you want some help in not seeking validation? I’d be happy to show you what I’ve done to change my beliefs and experience transformation because helping you live your best life is my mission. We can even do an exercise together to give you some clarity and peace. You can move forward with your life, build stronger relationships, and experience success.
It’s totally free. You’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain. So let’s do it!