In our True Love relationship, we imagine that we’re bound and bonded to each other in this powerful and fixed way. We think it’s fixed in a way where nothing can change us. But it turns out that True Love is not the relationship you believe it is.
It’s a connection that transcends all our other relationships. We want to be attached and cemented together so that nothing can tear us apart.
Yet how strong is cement? Or even if we extend the analogy out further to something like Superglue or Gorilla Glue. The stuff you put between two fixed objects to permanently bind them together so that they can’t come apart or detach from each other.
Treating relationships, particularly the one you have with that one special and chosen person, like fixed objects that can be bound together with some kind of external source, is what often leads us into dangerous territory.
In the scope of looking at this connection through a relationship lens, let’s look at marriage. Not all True Love relationships are marriages in the conventional or traditional sense (as I’ll illustrate in a moment).
Not all marriages are a True Love connection
The important distinction is in how they operate, and what is actually holding them together in this seemingly cosmic dance of union, partnership, and genuine connection.
Marriages don’t end because of external factors, even if there are external factors present in the dissolution of the relationship or connection. Financial loss, betrayal, cheating, abandonment. These are all seeming causes of the end of a marriage (or committed relationship) that we point our finger at and say is why the relationship went to hell. But that’s not entirely true.
It’s not that the glue that bound you together was broken apart by some outside force that eroded the connection and kept your bond from staying strong and intact. It’s that something internal caused the dissolution of the connection from within. And often this is because you were holding on to the idea that you were glued together that made your relationship work.
It’s marriage but it’s not what you think
Let’s look at marriage again, not to fixate on marriage itself but as a reference point to what most of us consider to be the ultimate committed relationship.
When you get down to the truth of it all, marriage isn’t a bond between two people who decide to unite themselves with each other in holy matrimony. Instead, marriage is an internal commitment you make with yourself to stand true in Love no matter what.
In a marriage partnership between two people, it’s a commitment you make with your partner to survive every storm that could come into your worlds collectively and individually. It’s an internal decision that you choose to partner with each other in the good and blissful times where life is absolutely perfect and nothing can ever be more wonderful.
And you choose to remain solidified together when life throws the most cataclysmic haymaker knockout punch at you that crushes you in indescribable ways. It’s a commitment that is made within yourself first (heart, body, mind, and spirit) so that you can be true to yourself and to each other, come what may.
You extend this commitment verbally and in writing to your special person, making it known to them that you’re choosing to honor, respect, and hold them securely through every experience that life brings you. This is what true marriage is. And it doesn’t happen in a chapel or at the altar. It happens in the energetic connection between mind and heart and spirit and body between two living beings who choose to commit themselves fully to the Love that they are individually, together.
The very high level of risk and freedom here
This is why the True Love connection goes beyond a traditional understanding of relationship or marriage from the cultural perspective of suits and dresses, chapels and ministers, flowers and dancing, fairy tales, and fantasy. We often associate fantastic weddings with the start of a life-long commitment between two people. But that commitment (and the fantasy fairy tale elements) are not a one-time agreement. Instead, they are a decision made each and every day from within yourself.
And the real marriage that you have is just that, it’s with yourself. This means that the True Love commitment is also an internal one with yourself before it’s ever a solid commitment to another person.
When you betray yourself, you betray your partner
The reason why Self-Love is the ultimate force to keep relationships strong is because Love is the energy that transcends nearly all other forces & energies. The image below is called the “Emotional Vibrational Scale” and it illustrates this point.
Looking at this on a scale of energy strength, we see that at the very bottom of the triangle/pyramid is Shame. Moving up from the energy scale that begins at 20, Guilt (30), Apathy (50), Grief (75), and Fear (100) are all considered to be a part of the Alpha state of consciousness.
These are energies that are prevalent throughout our society and culture. The more present these energies are in our lives, the more dysfunction, struggle, and difficulties we experience.
When Fear is present, trouble ensues. Fear is an internal difficulty that arises from trauma from our life experiences, judgments, assumptions, criticisms, and negative beliefs. Everything lower than Fear on an energy basis has a more negative energetic vibration, meaning it takes away from the strength of the connection and subtracts from your own energy field.
If fear is present in your relationship, it will erode the bond that you have with your partner. To the point where you will question them at every turn, not trust their intentions or behaviors, and work to separate yourself from them energetically.
That Gorilla Glue bond that you had when you made a commitment to each other (whether that was on your wedding day or when you “officially” became a couple) is dissolved from within through your beliefs, thoughts, ideas, and feelings. All driven by the root of fear.
Thoughts create things
And if you’re feeling fear in a relationship that is as soul-connected and bonded as a committed relationship is, the things your thoughts can create can work against your bond if fear is at the helm.
This is the real cause of betrayal, rejection, abandonment, and dissolution within romantic relationships, traditional marriage in particular. The wedding ring you wear doesn’t bind you to your partner. Neither does your photo album or pictures on your phone of your wedding day or the memories you share together.
What binds you together is your shared energy of Love, and the commitment you make every day to strengthen, guard, and nurture that connection through your thoughts, beliefs, attitude, trust, and Love for and with each other. And all of these elements for and within yourself.
True Love is the relationship the tide has with the moon
Where is the glue that connects the ocean to the heavens? What causes the tide to rise and fall? What causes the waves of the ocean to spread across the earth in an ever-flowing manner that brings life and beauty to the world as a whole?
It’s the energetic exchange taking place between the gravitational pull of the moon with the fluidity of the water on earth. The rising tide lifts all ships, as the saying goes. Water is one of the biggest examples of pure freedom we can witness. The ocean is a beautiful and poetic example of this fluid freedom and a picture of the truest form of relationship depth we can achieve.
Every day the ocean waves rise and fall and kiss the shoreline. Winds move the water to and fro. Ascertain energies build and grow, those winds can increase at massive levels which makes the waves swell into enormous sizes. Regular storms become tropical storms. Then become hurricanes. The forces that move such massive systems of wind, rain, and water (ocean) are not fixed or sealed by a visible force.
It’s all energy. There’s a freedom here in this energy that is powerful beyond comparison.
When we try to control the connection we have with energy, the connection can come unglued. This is why so many relationships are volatile and dysfunctional. When one person attempts to control the way their partner lives, thinks, operates, or behaves things are going to get tense. And those internal decisions of trust, faith, and commitment are going to be strained.
Put strain and tension on a bond and it’s going to crack
And potentially break. The energy that is there to form the bond doesn’t allow for the ebb and flow of life to happen. Control isn’t about ebb and flow. It’s about being fixed in one place.
Freedom is an inherent desire inside every person to live, be, do, and operate as they wish. Every relationship is a dance in this way. You can try to be firmly stuck together with the person you want to spend your life with. But if you don’t allow for freedom to exist between you, and work within the flow of that freedom, there’s going to be more struggle in your connection than there will be happiness, blessing, and peace.
Notice what happens energetically the higher you climb up the pyramid (illustrated above). Desire is above fear. Isn’t that unusual? We often consider the desire to be a good thing. But it can have a negative pull because so much of desire is about wanting things to look, feel, and operate a certain way. This is the element of control.
Anger and pride are higher levels of energy but we’re still dealing with elements that work against cohesion and unity. Bring anger into your relationship and what will the results be?
Courage, neutrality, willingness, and acceptance are the areas of energetic exchange where cohesion remains. There’s a willingness here to operate within a framework of freedom and harmony.
You accept your partner and the differences you have. You give them the freedom to be themselves. Without trying to change them into your version of who they are supposed to be.
We do this by surrendering our pride and our ego
By being fully present with them and listening with intention and focus.
Removing distractions by focusing on their whole being. Then choose to send them Love regardless of their attitude toward you is what keeps your bond strong.
Wait, give them Love regardless of their attitude toward you???
How can that be possible?
Doesn’t your partner have a responsibility and a need to be positive, affirming, loving, and supportive of you because they’re your partner?
If they are not encouraging or loving, or giving to you when you want/need them, doesn’t that give you a right to withhold from them too?
No. Not at all.
Remember that Self-Love is the basis for your healthy relationship?
A True Love connection is formed and solidified as a commitment you make internally with yourself.
That’s the truth. You choose to Love, honor, respect, value, commit to, and be unfailingly devoted to yourself and to LOVE as your highest calling.
Doing so puts you in an energetic connection with the Divine forces of LOVE, Joy, and Peace.
This kind of energetic connection serves as a magnetic field that attracts, flows, and converts energy into its likeness. It’s how you can be with your partner who is scared or unsure and turn that energy from darkness into light.
You are an alchemist of energy, able to turn anything into Love
This is the power of your True Love connection. The energetic pull of your Love force rises the tides and brings goodness into your relationship. Regardless of what external forces may be attempting to come against you individually or collectively.
What if you’ve been abandoned and betrayed by your partner? Are you supposed to convert that pain into Love? Is it your responsibility to make everything right? Or fix the other person so they don’t treat you in non-Loving ways?
No. It’s not.
This is a hard thing for many people to process because they take the commitment made at the altar seriously. This is why not all marriages are True Love connections.
But we don’t always see that on the front end. Often this is because we don’t know what LOVE truly is. Nor do we know how to foster it within ourselves.
The lack of Love that you have for yourself, or your inability to Love yourself first, creates that tension. Which can prevent you from being able to re-establish a connection with your partner that converts darkness into light. And when this happens, you have to take care of yourself first for anything good to happen.
Which is also why the ultimate commitment you make, the real marriage you have, is within you. It’s your connection to the Divine, to God, to the Source of all LOVE and life. And your connection/commitment to yourself.
It’s from this connection where you are actually the recipient of the Love that you seek. Your partner’s job or role is not to be your source for Love, acceptance, peace, joy, fulfillment, or courage. That energetic supply comes from God as the Divine source for life.
True Love is the true source and cause of all healing
The magnetism of this powerful force is the gravitational pull that draws more goodness into your connection. Love has the power to convert negative energy into positive energy. What was darkness gets transmuted into light. It can happen in an instant. And it can happen over a lifetime.
When there is a break in a relationship, there is emotional pain. How do you heal that pain so that you can be whole and experience the Love of your dreams? You have to start by giving yourself that Love, choosing to connect fully with the Divine that lives within you. And build a strong connection to your true source from within.
When two people commit fully to being expressions of the Divine Love within them, they share this harmonious connection. It overcomes obstacles and fosters a strong connection despite outside forces that could work against them.
This commitment is internal, it’s energetic. It’s deliberate and intentional. And it requires effort and commitment continuously to really operate in wholeness. Which means it’s sometimes challenging, difficult, and hard to do.
This is the human story
Juxtapose this truth with any endeavor that involves growth or strength, from exercise to growing a business to gardening. It requires practice, repeated actions, and intentions, focus, and attention.
You can’t take your eye off the ball and expect to hit a home run. Or a hole in one. Or fill in whatever sports metaphor you want.
Working on yourself is nurturing and strengthening the connection you have with the Diving Love that you are. This is what you bring to your relationship that makes it strong, lasting, harmonious, and powerful.
It’s the tide that dances with the moon energetically through this beautiful and cosmic display of invisible energy.
How to find real True Love
True Love is the relationship you have with you first. The life-long commitment you make begins with you. Make it every day.
Choose to Love yourself, first. This may mean that you need to learn what Love truly is. Because so many things that are untrue about what a good relationship is. Or even what Love is.
When you grow in Love with yourself, the right relationship finds you without having to search for it. Divine timing works in this way. And the relationship will likely develop in a way that you don’t expect.
But Love will be the roots of the tree you grow together. Changes will come, challenges, and difficulties. But you’ll be the oak tree which can handle the hurricane winds of life. And with the True Love that you are, your partner will support and strengthen you as you face life together.
True Love is not what you think, it’s better! It’s with yourself before it’s ever true with another person.
How can you be Love to yourself, and attract the perfect person into your life?
How can you grow in the Loving relationship you have through the art of Self-Love?
This is what I’ve been teaching client students over the past year through the Be Solid Training Program.