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Relationships are where we experience some of our biggest desires come to life.

Love, acceptance, and fulfillment are a few big ones.

Yet often it’s also in relationships where we want to have more peace.

Because when we are at peace with others, we typically feel at peace with ourselves.

And this is one reason why many relationships lack peace.

When we put our focus on things being good with someone else in order for us to feel secure, we create tension.

A Powerful Metaphor To Live By To Have More Peace

Over the past two years, a metaphor has given me clarity on how to BE the Love I want to experience.

This includes how to Be the peace.

It’s about learning how to be the magnetic force in the room.

Be the thermostat, not the thermometer.

This metaphor is really a powerful way to truly practice Self Love in a way that transforms our relationships with others.

Because it’s about being the source of your own peace. You break codependent cycles and patterns this way.

You’re not relying on someone else to be ok in order for you to feel good, secure, or ok.

be the thermostat have more peace

Photo by Sean D on Unsplash


Why Being A Thermometer Costs You Peace


The thermometer is outside the house.

It measures temperature changes to what’s going on in the external atmosphere. And it’s subject to those conditions.

Meaning, that when the temperature outside goes up, the mercury of the thermometer rises.

And when the temperature falls, so does the reading on the thermometer.

The thermometer has no say in the matter.

It just reflects back to what is happening around it. There’s no power here.

Where have you felt like a thermometer in relationships?

If you’re constantly reacting to other people’s behaviors and trying to make them happy so you feel ok, you’re acting like a thermometer.

Which is why you lack peace. The way to have more peace in your relationships is to be the thermostat.

The thermostat, on the other hand, is autonomous.

It decides what its temperature is and holds that inside regardless of any outside changes or conditions.

In the winter months, it can drop down to 20 degrees outside. But if the thermostat is 70 degrees, the inside of the home is nice and toasty.


How We’re Taught To Act Like A Thermometer


Many of us have been conditioned and trained from a young age to REACT to our environment.

This is especially true in reacting to the attitudes and behaviors of other people.

We’re modeled by people (often parents, teachers, and mentors) who act as thermometers to whatever is going on around them.

Some of this behavior is conscious and some is unconscious.

Certain words can trigger behavioral shifts and changes that can take you out of a calm state and into an angry place quickly.

There’s research and scientific studies now that show how an unregulated nervous system causes emotional imbalances that can cause fluctuations in behavior.

The work of Mastin Kipp and his book Claim Your Power talks about this in much more detail.

The inner mental and emotional temperature gauge (thermometer) can spike and shrink all over the place based on outside forces.

These forces can be relationship problems, stress, anxiety, work issues, etc. 

Learning how to identify when your nervous system is not regulated or out of balance involves becoming aware of your feelings both emotionally and cognitively.

It’s being in tune with both your body and your emotions together.


How To Bring Yourself Back Into Balance

Allow your inner thermostat to kick on when emotional or mental trigger points cause you to react to an outside influence.

You can set your thermostat by setting a clear intention as you wind down before bed for what you want your tomorrow to be. 

Set one intention. Here are a few examples:

  • I do all things in peace.

  • Joy is my state of being in all things.

  • Kindness is how I treat myself and others at all times.


Operating From Love As Your Thermostat Setting

When you wake up, revisit the intention you made before you went to sleep.

Set this intention again before you start your day. This is how you set your internal thermostat.

Another key way to practice this is by writing and reciting affirmations before you get out of bed. 

Remember that affirmations are more than just words. The feeling is the secret here.

The feeling is also the secret to being the thermostat and not the thermometer.

Another way to set your thermostat is by doing a short meditation in the morning and another before going to sleep.

Deep breathing and getting centered on your intention brings your energy into making this your state of being.


How To Keep Your Thermostat Set Right

Gentleness with yourself is key to maintaining the peace, joy, and Love that you set your inner thermostat on.

Instead of reacting to the outside environment, you respond with Love because that’s your base setting.

Responding to outside forces that may normally cause you to be triggered is mitigated by having a clear intention and a regulated nervous system.

During your day, go outside and walk to recenter. Keep yourself in balance. Nature is a resource for grounding your energy and getting in the flow of God’s Divine Love.

Use this practice with Nature to grow in Self Love even more. 


Dealing With Balance Issues And Triggers

What do you do if you find yourself out of balance, emotionally triggered, and coming apart at the seams?

AND…what if you’ve been trying to figure all this out and it seems impossible?

Go to a safe space. Reach out to a friend who is balanced, peaceful, and gentle in spirit.

You can ask for a few minutes to speak with them about your feelings.

Don’t make this a venting session. It’s ok to talk through your feelings but remember that the focus in on balance.

Some people have the ability to help bring balance to how you feel because they cultivate an inner garden of Love and peace.

The “chill vibe” is strong with them. Sometimes spending time with calm and peaceful people can help bring balance to yourself.

A Simple Exercise To Become The Thermostat

Here’s a simple way for you to practice being the thermostat to have more peace in your relationships.

Use this simple breathing technique to tune yourself to peace and release stress, tension and fear:

  1. Get in a quiet space. Close your eyes. Relax.

  2. Take a deep breath in.

  3. As you breathe in, set the intention to breathe in peace.

  4. With the exhale, breathe out any and all emotional discord.

  5. Focus on your breath. And put your awareness on your intention.

  6. Let go of anything that isn’t in alignment with your peaceful intention.

  7. Give yourself the space and freedom to release all that doesn’t serve you.

Have More Peace With This Practice

With time and practice, making the shift from emotional dysregulation to being the thermostat of peace will be more easy and fluid. You’ll find yourself able to foster and maintain balance, calm, and prolonged peacefulness.

You’ll also find that the attitudes and behaviors of those around you shift to mimic yours. Because, as the thermostat, you set an energetic policy that everyone must come up to where you are. Instead of you sinking down to a lower vibrational state.

You go from being reactive to being responsive.

Set your inner thermostat to peace, and this will be your experience.


*Feature Image Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash


d grant smith self-love teacher coach empowerment superhero

About Me: Hi, I’m D Grant Smith, The Growth Farmer of Personal Development Through the Lens of Spirituality and Storytelling.

I help people transform by growing LOVE from within the garden of your heart-mind-spirit-body to live the story of your dreams.

Experience more transformational storytelling in this free downloadable ebook/audiobook.